The Pumpkin Bomb
by Obskura
Summary: Leon and Claire end up getting into a nothing fight. When she has no reaction to Leon's tantrum, he goes the extra mile and says things he shouldn't. Based off of some Dane Cook jokes! M for language.
1. The Nothing Fight

----------------

Leon had no idea what started it, but he and Claire were in an argument of epic proprtions. Her hair seemed a more vibrant shade of red and her eyes glowed a dangerous blue as she jabbed a finger into Leon's chest when trying to emphasize her opinion. Claire really took off on her broom tonight, never coming back down. Leon's bloodhound and Claire's cat were off hiding. Even the betta fish was hiding behind the plant in his bowl on the kitchen counter. Nothing had been thrown...yet.

Not willing to carry on the fierce battle, Leon turned away and looked out the kitchen window. He hoped no one was listening, or even watching their silhouettes in the curtains. As the fight wore on, Claire had a hand balled up under her chin. This was the number one danger sign Leon didn't catch.

"And I saw the way you were _looking_ at Angela!", accused Claire.

Leon spun perfectly like the figure skater he probably could be.

"What?!", he yelled. "I don't know what you're taking about, Claire!"

"I saw you checking her out!", Claire snarled. "And you _kissed her_ behind my back!"

"Did not!", Leon defended himself. "I was giving her air!"

"'Giving her air' my ass, Leon Scott!", Claire screeched.

"You don't even have an ass....", mumbled Leon.

"Excuse me, what was that?", asked the red-head dangerously.

She cocked a hip out, placed a hand on it, and stuck out a leg.  
Another major warning sign that the blonde male failed to see.

"You-don't-have-an-ass!", Leon pronounced slowly but loudly.

Claire slammed her hands on the countertop island between her and her boyfriend. One of her palms touched base with a plate and sent it soaring in flips through the air. Then the unfortunate china landed and crashed on the title flooring. Neither of the two arguing beings blinked or flinched.

"I'm done", Claire snapped.

"Oh, what? 'Cause of what I said?", Leon asked sarcastically.

"You're such a...a JERK!", Claire stammered.

"And you're an angel? _Pfft_!", Leon shook his golden head. "Your monthly mood swings, complete with vaccant cupboards, the neediness...c'mon!"

"You're so hard to live with!", Claire cried.

"And you aren't?", the agent threw back. "I wish you lived somewhere else! Like, far away!"

Claire turned her back, walked about five steps, paused, and turned her head.

"You're stupid, just like your father", she said in just barely a whisper and walked out.

"Hahahaha! What's that supposed to mean?!", scoffed Leon. "Stupid like my father...whatever..."

**_Later that night....._**

Leon was perched atop the washer in the laundry room, still brewing over the fight. He played Claire's last words over and over again. He was confused with what she meant. He patted his faithful dog's nervous head absent-mindedly, still thinking. _Stupid like your father_..._stupid like _my_ father...._

Then, it finally clicked.

"_MY FATHER WAS A BRILLANT MAN_!!"

Leon flew off the machine and shouted at the ceiling. The bloodhound took off, wimpering. Even the cleaning machines stopped at feeling Leon's fury. Kicking a basket, Leon tore out of the small room and up the basement stairs in search of Claire to give her a piece of his mind. He was going to tell that damn Redfield what was what!

The only problem was, Leon didn't know where she was or where he was going. He was so infuriated that he forgot the layout to his own house. He mumbled and cursed to himself as he tried to find his way around. He cursed everything that didn't have to do with what Claire said. Raccoon City, zombies, Ada Wong, Spain, Saddler, Luis Sera, Jack Krauser, Ashley Graham, it was all _their_ fault!

When Leon did find the red-head, she was sitting in the kitchen, peacefully eating Cocoa Krispies and reading a fashion magazine. She didn't flinch nor look up when Leon's fiery presence stood in the door way.

But he said nothing; he didn't think of what to say ahead of time. Just gotta roll with it...

"Eating fucking cereal?!", he said loudly. "Fucking eating my chocolate cereal that _I _fucking bought?!"

_Nothing_. Claire continued to eat her cereal. Leon only got angier at her lack of a reaction. Of course he cursed more, he really had nothing serious or intelligent to say in his defense. Plus he was mad!

"Yeah, that's my favorite fucking cereal!", Leon paced back and forth infront of Claire. "I ate Cocoa-fucking-Krispies all the time when I was a fucking kid! When I wanted some, I'd go 'hey Dad, can you get some Cocoa Krispies?' and he'd fucking get me all the chocolatey goodness I wanted! Wanna know why he fucking did that?! 'Cause my dad was a _SMART FUCKING GUY_!"

Still, Claire showed no reaction. She just poured herself another bowl of Cocoa Krispies and went back to eating. Without looking at her lover, she turned the page of her magazine. Leon's eye twitched madly. Does she not know that the face of Hell is right in her face?! Dumbfounded and even more irate, Leon came up with another wild response to Claire's silence.

"You know what I'm going to do?!", Leon continued without waiting for Claire's evanescent response, "I'm going to get a fucking pumpkin and put a bomb in it! I'm--I'm going to making a fucking pumpkin bomb and fuckin' put it under your chair and blow you the fuck up! I'm going to fuckin' blow you to smitherenes! _SMITHERENES_!"

Leon smacked the table top and stormed out.

"You don't even know...you--you don't even know", he seethed. "You don't even _KNOW_!"

To show just how serious he was, he went into their room, snatched his pillow and the comforter, and went into one of the guest bedrooms downstairs. And to make an even bigger statement, he slammed the door shut after his dog mozied in after him.

Oooh yes, Leon _Scott _Kennedy was showing Claire M. Redfield up!


	2. Making Up

**A/N**: Sorry, I skipped some of the joke involved in this, as I don't remember how it fully went!

------------------------

For three days, the pair didn't speak to each other. It was an old, John Wayne western gunslinger moment each time they passed each other. Leon never answered the phone when he saw that the number was calling for Claire. It would just ring and ring until the answering machine picked it up. He learned not to throw the phone at her from last time. What happened last time? Claire ratted on Leon to her brother, and Chris Redfield made it very clear that if the blonde were to throw another object at his sister, he'd cut off Pretty Boy's head and stick it on his car anntena and drive around with it there....

So that was the very last time Leon ever did that. Plus Chris had started working out _a lot_, or started using steroids. Had anyone seen the guy? He was _HUGE_ now! Who'd want to mess with super-buff Chris Redfield?! Leon certainly didn't.

Anyway, during those awkward three days, Claire decided to be the bigger person and try to heal things. But, being a guy and all, Leon wasn't ready to make up. He was still mad. But he wasn't too angry still to not give her some credit for her bravery.

As he washed the dishes, trying not to break them under his grip, he mumbled to himself.

"Unbelievable...un-believable..!", he scrubbed scratches into the china. "Un-fricken-believeable...unbelievable..."

He heard footsteps, but paid no mind to them.

"Is there....any laundry you'd like done?", she asked quietly behind him.

Leon let the plate he'd been decimating with the rough side of the sponge (creating numerous scratches all along the surface) plop into the soapy water.

"There's some laundry I'd like to _pack_, I'll tell you that", he growled.

Claire sighed, down-trodden, and walked out. Leon held his head high and picked up another plate to victimize.

**That night....**

Leon watched, heaving a sigh, as Claire came into the kitchen again. He was eating _his_ Cocoa Krispies that _he _bought. Their eyes locked as she say across from him.

"Hi", she said quietly.  
"Hey", Leon responded. "...'Sup?"  
"Mind if I have a bowl?", Claire asked.  
"Um, sure...if you want some, go ahead."  
"Okay". The red-head got up and fixed a bowl of the chocolately cereal and retook her place across from Leon.

They sat in awkward silence. Even the birds outside were silent, expecting something.

"You, uh, got highlights", Claire complimented. "Looks nice..."  
"Yeah...I, uh, wanted to do something different."  
"It looks nice. Makes you look younger and brightens your eyes."  
"Hmm, yeah. I told them to do a, uh, lighter blonde."

Claire spun her spoon around in her cereal bowl. Leom search aimlessly through the Apps in his phone. Just as long as the two didn't talk, he was okay.

"Can I say something? Can I just...say something right now?"

Leon looked up at Claire.

"I would really like to say something right now..."  
"Err, go ahead", Leon responded.

"Well, look, I'm not trying to instigate here, and I'm not trying to rile you up, but I told you the _hair detangler_ was in the medicine cabinet, Leon. I told you this."

"Yeah, I saw that, thank you", Leon drummed his fingers on the table, agitated. "Thank you, I'm very, very aware of the L'Oreal hair detangler in the cabinet now. Thanks a lot!"

"Hey, hey! I don't want to fight anymore!", Claire put up her hands in defense. "I don't wanna fight, baby".

Leon nodded in silent agreement.

"Can I say something again? I really have to say something. Hear me out with what I wanna say and..._Leonardo Scott Kennedy, look at me_!"

Leon's eyes shot up from her breasts to her eyes. Claire gave an agitated sigh as she realized what he was looking at.

"Yah?", he cupped his chin in his left hand. "All eyes on you, what?"

"I just want to say", Claire prepared herself. "I....do _not_ have a flat ass".

The corners of Leon's mouth twitched but he did nothing else.

"I'd like to say something, too", he said. Leon knew he had to clear it up.  
"Yes?", she replied.  
"Uum, baby...", he scratched his arm nervously. "I would _never, ever_ put a pumpkin bomb under your chair. I don't even know where to fucking find a pumpkin! Seriously, if it's not Halloween, where do you find one?!"

Claire looked off to the side. "I told my mother about that..."  
"_WHAT_?", Leon cried. "What!? You--you _told_ your mother?! What'd she say?!"  
"She-was-_terrified_!", Claire answered. "She wants me to move back home!"  
"Claire!", he whined. "Well, look, I'm sorry, baby. C'mere".

He went around the table and hugged her. Except she wasn't hugging back. She just sat there, loose.

"C'mon, it's okay now", he said. "Hug me back..!"

Meekly, she put her arms around him.

"There, you gonna be okay?", he asked.  
"Yeah, I just need to readjust...", she replied.

**At Bedtime....**

Leon was tickling Claire, but wasn't getting the reaction he wanted.

"Stop, stop it!", she slapped his hands away. "I'm on my period!"  
"I'm not trying to tickle the blood out of you, Claire!", Leon spat. "I'm just trying to be like fucking old times, okay?! Why can't it be like old times?!"

Claire crossed her arms. "I'm just not ready yet, Leon. I'm not ready..."

"Ugh, fine!", Leon smacked his pillow and got up. "I'm going to get some water. You want wanything?"  
"Just soda would be fine, thanks."  
"Alright, water and sodypop", Leon reached the threshold and turned around.

This was when he madethe classic too-soon-to-make-a-joke joke. The one you always say after a major argument. The one you _never_ say until months even years to say.

"You want a slice of the pumpkin bomb pie that I made?", he smirked.

Instantly, Claire's eyes welled up with tears.

"How can you say that!?", she wailed. "Why would you say that, Leon?!"  
"I WAS KIDDING! _GOD_!", he threw his hands up into the air. "I was just fucking--_UUGH_! Never-fuckin'-mind!"

He stamped out of the room, annoyed. Leon wished he were back in Spain, rescuing Ashley Graham's sorry ass multiple times from murderous & crazed-out Plagas-infected Spaniards than having to come back and apologize to his upset girlfriend once again. He really started to think that his complicated job as a special government agent was a Hell of a lot easier than maintaining a relationship with the over-emotional Claire Redfield. Wait, it _was_. But Leon had to admit, Claire's extreme emotional side was one of the things he hated to love.


End file.
